It’s been a bit strange, to say the least. Since my early to mid 20’s, alcohol has always been my crutch to “solve problems.” Even more strange, I believed (or at the least, I continued to tell myself) that I was . . . solving problems by guzzling them down.
Although, that was only where the addiction built its foundation. The real problems came when I needed to be sober and couldn’t. I was struggling to handle my emotions and problems in life because . . . I was feeling them again, and I couldn’t handle it!
Through various financial issues, legal issues, relationship issues, professional issues, and my personal emotions which revolve around them — I struggled for many years to stay sober longer than 90 days. It seemed to be “the impossible task.”
During the end of 2022, venturing into 2023, I finally did it. I was 9 months sober . . . until I wasn’t, and the guilt made it even worse. The feelings of being a failure came right back, and that made the urge even stronger, and then 2024 brought me to rehab.
Now, some people think of rehab as a luxurious resort from the TV commercials. Spa days, world-class counseling, incredible food to nourish the body, and of course, total relaxation. Unfortunately, I was in court rehab: jail with vending machines.
Nonetheless, after 21 day court ordered rehab, I managed to stay sober for the remainder of my probation term — and I did successfully make it out! Which as you might have guessed, landed me right back to the bottle, slowly increasing with time.
I was right back to living life on the edge. The drinking started as, “No more probation, no more alcohol testing — I can absolutely have a beer after work.” Do you want to take a guess how that story ends? Correct! I was pulled over for excessive speeding.
Now — if that had been where the story ended, I may have had a speeding ticket, and you never would have seen this. Not only was I driving nearly 85MPH in a 30MPH zone, I was also intoxicated. 12pt speeding ticket; 12pt DUI; arrested.
Ultimately leading to a DWAI plea deal, 1 year of supervised probation, 48 hours of community service, 12 weeks of DUI education classes ($35/week), followed by 26 weeks of alcohol therapy classes ($35/week), plus thousands in lawyer fees and court / probation fines. Not to mention SR22 insurance, and an IID in my vehicle.
That was in April, 2025, and I was finally sentenced in October, and I think I’ve had enough. I think I’ve made it to my very last “wakeup call,” and I must say, I honestly feel better than ever. I have not even been keeping track of my “sobriety timeline.”
I know it’s right around six months, give or take. I’m blowing to start my car, every 6 minutes driving my car, and peeing in cups on probation (again). It’s been getting easier and easier to ignore that little voice in the back of my head: “C’mon, relax with a drink after work, it’ll feel so damn good!”
I am sober and feeling better than ever. My finances, while tight, are on-track. I wake up clear-headed, remembering what I did the night before, and even more importantly, who I texted, and what we talked about — without needing to check every message. I am 100x more focused at work, and every move I make is a step with confidence.
I suppose it took a long dive downhill to truly see what alcohol was doing to me: pulling me back down after getting myself back up. It’s done nothing good for me, and without it, my life is flourishing in all the ways I wanted it to; in all the ways it wasn’t before; in all the ways I was drinking to avoid thinking about my shitshow life.
I’m not sure if I’ll stay sober forever, but right now, it seems that I will. I’d like to sit down and have a beer or two after work. It’s wonderful in theory. I’d love to get a short buzz before bed, and doze off into the cozy, warm, relaxing feeling of two glasses of wine. But — can I? Will I? Likely not.
A beer after work, turns into two the next night, which turns into four the next night, which turns into three with a couple shots — until I finally make my way back to slurping down a bottle of vodka, and waking up with toilet paper rolls in the refridgerator. I mean, seriously — how does that happen?
If you’re sober and you’re struggling, I hope somehow the universe’s energy brings you to this post to know . . . there is hope. There is Light. There is peace. Things do get better, and that if your life seems to be better when you aren’t in a drunken-haze — you should listen to yourself, and do everything that you can to avoid going back to it.
If you continue reading posts here, you’ll see it for yourself. I would even encourage you to send me a message (click!) if you’re struggling and want to get in touch with somebody who understands.
Don’t give up on yourself.